Sakura's HearttoHeart Report
by acceptedmisconceptions
Summary: Sakura makes the most of her imprisonment with the Akatsuki by keeping notes on the criminals' behavior and actions. She also puts in some...personal imput. What happens when the report is found and read in a Akatsuki meeting? GIANT BLUSH.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I love the Akatsuki. I don't know what that says about me, but I do. Please let me know if I portray any of my beloved criminals incorrectly.**

**Disclaimer: I do not make any money off the Naruto franchise. **

"Well, well…the kunoichi's been busy, busy, busy" the Kisame said, smiling appreciatively at the stash of papers hidden behind the crumbling brick.

He grinned maliciously, then slammed his elbow into the decrepit prison wall, destroying the last vestiges of shelter around Sakura's secret documents. "Sneaky little brat" he muttered, grabbing a fistful of paper.

"She's been taking notes? This isn't freaking ninja academy, yeah!" said the blonde in the doorway to the cell. He harrumphed loudly. "…what did she say about me, yeah?" he asked after a pause, trying to conceal his shame.

"I'm not telling, pretty boy!" Kisame laughed, sticking his fist in the cavity again.

" Come on! At least tell me what it says about you, yeah!" Deidara sighed. He shoved himself off the wall, and walked over towards his blue companion. His arms led him, reaching out for the papers.

When the clay master got close, Kisame laughed again and raised the sheets above his head. "No! We'll find out later". He dodged Deidara's hands with a ninja's speed as the blonde one comically fought for the prisoner's secrets.

_ Damn tall for a fish _Deidara grumbled into his subconscious. His inner whining was cut short when a masked man entered the small jail, bouncing up and down excitedly.

"Tobi is a good boy? Tobi was right about Sakura-san's secret papers in her secret hiding place?" he asked, jumping higher and more rapidly with each word he spoke.

"Yeah, Tobi. You did good" Kisame growled. His patience had waned, and he roughly shoved Deidara aside so he could get to the door that led out of the dim, dank room. The effeminate artist had managed to step on his foot, and that did nothing for the brief period of glee that had resulted from finding the kunoichi's stash. It was time to find out what the girl had "observed" in weeks she'd spent at _Chateau Akatsuki_.

_ Oh God, _Sakura pleaded,_ don't let them get to the papers. Please!_

She stared numbly at the ceiling of the dining room, holding her pitiful display of hopeless despair within her pink-haired head. She knew it was useless, though. Kisame, for once, wasn't drunk, so he would easily find the observations in her cell. She cursed the little masked boy for putting the flowers on her cot, for seeing her stash, and most importantly, for telling the fish man about it.

_ I'm gonna wring his scrawny neck!_ She yelled murderously in her mind. She strained against her bonds, making the rust on the cold chains chafe her pale, thin wrists. All that hard work—all the time she'd spent here as a prisoner—was about to be flushed down the drain…or down her throat if the white-haired one named Hidan had anything to do with it. She held the tension against her bonds for a few moments longer, then sighed dejectedly and fell against the back of her wooden chair. Even the wood was cold in the sprawling, underground base; she could feel the rough, bars through her torn ANBU uniform.

Suddenly, she felt a warm presence behind her. She saw the tall shadow on her lap, and she stiffened, closing her eyes. Itachi had come back for her.

"Your presence is requested, kunoichi. Leader-sama thinks that you could be helpful while we review the information you've accumulated" he said, his icy tone making her shiver.

_ I have to be there?_ The shadow of her inner self screamed at him in outrage, already blushing at the memory of what she'd written about the older Uchiha. Would he be flatted? Disgusted? Sakura didn't know, and she would rather be safely in the clutches of a mortal wound than find out.

"I think it would be beneficial, as well, Sakura-san" Itachi leered at her. Somehow, he managed to portray various levels of scorn without altering the tone of his voice or the expression frozen onto his face. He must have been in a good mood, judging from the progress of his comments from monosyllabic phrases to entire words. Sakura shuddered, remembering the last time she'd seen him so expressive. It was a dinner that would never be forgotten…no matter how hard Sakura tried to erase it from her memory.

Suddenly, Sakura found hands on hers—the hands that had been clutching the sides of her chair. She forced a yelp to stay lodged in her throat as Itachi began manipulating her fingers into hand-signs. She opened her eyes, trying to see what he was doing, but only his Sharringan could have caught the rapidly firing positions.

"No. Keep your eyes closed" Itachi murmured, eyes fixed on the kunoichi's fingers and wrists.

Boldly, Sakura kept them open. "Why?" she asked, in the tone of emotionless confidence she'd been practicing for the past four weeks. She didn't have a chance to hear his response, though. Suddenly, her balance was inverted, and she was lost to a world of spinning red and black. Sakura didn't know if she screamed or not.

When she finally began to feel like a human instead of the water in a flushing toilet bowl, she was immediately aware of the other people in the dark cavern around her. She recognized their silhouettes, their stances, and everything else she'd carefully recorded in days she'd spent as an Akatsuki prisoner.

_ Damn it!_ She thought, realizing that all of them were present, staring intently at the one she'd assumed was the leader of the organization—the only person she hadn't met personally. The subtle buzzing of anticipation was hard to ignore in the telepathic rendezvous, only noticeable because the Akatsuki were generally so impassive when they were around each other.

_ I'm their frickin' recreation! _She moaned miserably, inwardly wrapping her arms around herself and rocking back and forth on the hard ground. But wait…she normally couldn't feel the GROUND in her mind; Why could she now? She stopped breathing.

_ There are no secrets here, kunoichi _Sakura heard Kisame chuckle from his recumbent position against a nearby spire of rock.

_ You_…_you can read my mind?_ She thought desperately, hoping that she wouldn't hear a response, hoping that she'd imagined the swordsman's voice.

_ Your mind is the only part of you here to speak, idiot _a feminine, cool voice echoed from somewhere to her left. _Thoughts are words here until you learn to think in a specific way, which you won't do for a long time_ Konan said (or rather thought) to Sakura.

The pink haired kunoichi froze, realizing that the cold, hard exterior she'd been wearing for the duration of her imprisonment was left somewhere in the material world. The Akatsuki were about to meet the real, emotional, team-seven Sakura Haruno. She also realized that the first thing that the criminals had learned about her was that Sakura Haruno had a truly pitiful whimper.

_ DAMN IT! _She yelled, rocketing herself back up into a standing position.

_ Oh, ho ho…the frigging silent little mouse has a fucking mouth. Wish you'd shown me that shit while you were staying with us, kunoichi, _Hidan said…or rather cursed.

_ Che. Why? So we could have had a conversation? All you do is fricking curse and get your head hewn off. __**Real**__ enlightening _Sakura thought, realizing to late that he'd heard every word and even seen her disdainful eye-rolling.

_You little bitch!_ Hidan roared before a smooth, mellow voice emanated from the man in the perceived center of the cavern. The voice stopped Hidan in his tracks and halted the Deidara's and Tobi's stifled giggles.

_ Quiet. We have business to attend to_ Pein said, glancing curtly at the fuming shinobi.

_ Sexy voice_ Sakura thought inadvertently, drawing forth a dull roar of snickers and outright laughter. She even heard an amused snort from the figure beside her who she presumed was Itachi from his stiff stance.

_ Thank you, Miss Haruno _Pein replied, not needing to conceal the verbal, malicious smirk. He knew as well as she did that the girl was about to be slaughtered for the enjoyment of the Akatsuki.

_ As you all know, Miss Haruno has been our captive for a few weeks now, _Pein began demurely, seeming to forget the previous comment which had sent Sakura back against the cold, wet wall of the cave to cover her face with her hands in embarrassment. _What you failed to realize is that she'd been secretly taking notes on our organization throughout her stay._ As he spoke, his tone became darker, harsher. _Your ignorance in unacceptable. Punishment__** is**__ to be expected _he growled mildly.

_ Ha ha, suckas! _Sakura smirked. She her fist shot into the air triumphantly, earning burning glares from those around her. As soon as the words were gone from her lips, she smacked herself on the forehead, cursing her emotional tendencies.

Pein grudgingly ignored the interruption_. But first, I wish to review a few passages from Miss Haruno's oh-so-studious notes. She is after all, an enemy shinobi, and her insight could benefit those concerned._

After hearing the phrase "oh-so-studious", Sakura had gasped, realizing that Pein had read them—those precious little sheets written in the delirium of imprisonment. She couldn't breathe, suddenly realizing that without a doubt, she was about to witness the groveling death of her self-esteem.

_ Oh this is gonna be so good. Just listen to her! She's having a meltdown! _Kisame bellowed, doubling over in laughter. Similar sentiments were expressed in several other faces. Tobi, being the most vocal, pleaded for Leader-sama to begin.

_ What does the pretty prisoner think of Tobi? What does she say, Leader-sama?"_ Tobi asked, hopping up and down.

_ Quiet! _Pein replied icily, but his tone was amused. _You're about to find out._ He paused a moment, waiting for complete silence to settle, and then he began...

"_Tsudnade-sama, I truly hope I'm alive when you get this…if you get this at all. It's __taken a few days of hoarding chakra to be able to summon this paper and I had to sneak my hand into Hidan's pocket to nab a pencil, so I'll try to make this report worth the effort. I can't say it'll be as good as the medical reports I've done, but you wanted to know about those damn Akatsuki so I'm going to tell you about them while I can"_

Hidan hooted in laughter at the red splotches on Sakura's cheeks that had appeared. Tobi quivered. Kazuzu cocked his head to the side in annoyance at the pause, and a number of smirks in the room grew wider and longer. Then, Pein began again, watching Sakura intently as he wet his lips and prepared to speak. She was at it again—hugging herself and rocking back and forth on her heels.

"_I guess I'll start with Deidara, the first Akatsuki member I met. Guess what Tsunade-sama…IT'S A BOY! I guess I owe Kakashi-sensei some money"_


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I love you people who reviewed! Glad you like…**

**Uh, my computer's a little constipated, so sorry about the slow updates.**

**Disclaimer: I don't make any money from Naruto.**

"_I guess I'll start with Deidara, the first Akatsuki member I met. Guess what Tsunade-sama…IT'S A BOY! I guess I owe Kakashi-sensei some money"_

She'd expected pain, or laughter. She'd expected to feel her cheeks burn in embarrassment, no matter what happened. Instead, she found silence. No one moved.

_What the hell?_

Moments passed into an awkward oblivion.

_Are. You. __**Kidding.**__ ME?_ came an outraged cry from a certain blonde murderer.

Sakura almost squeaked. _IJUSTTHOUGHTYOUWERE…GENDER-CONFUSED _she spat out, bringing her arms into a protective x-shape in front of her face, not that it helped.

_AM. NOT. A. GIRL_. the man with the ponytail hissed, suddenly appearing in front of her. He pulled her arms down viciously. _How many fricking times to I have to say that, yeah? I just care about my hair, okay! Unlike your Precious Little Kakashi Sensei, I know what looks good and what looks like YOU'RE WEARING AN ELECTRIFIED OPPOSUM ON YOUR HEAD!_

Sakura knew he was pissed. She knew because he looked rabid. She knew because no one was taking this as a joke. She knew that it would be her death if she made the apparently-male ninja any angrier…so why was she laughing? Why on Earth couldn't she keep herself from keeping her big mouth safely shut?

_But Deidara-san, __**yeah**__, you talk like a girl, yeah. And, __**yeah,**__ you wear your hear like my best friend wears hers,__** yeah**__. And, __**yeah,**__ I could have sworn I saw you swooning over Itachi the night you captured me. You were drooling, mister. Just cause he didn't have a shirt on! What was that all about anyway, Mr. Masculine?_

_I…I…_ Deidara was shaking in consternation. Itachi was watching him, calmly.

_Deidara?_ He asked, being carefully toneless. No one could see the tick that was suddenly affecting his left eye rather badly, so they assumed he was still the usual Uchiha ice cube.

Suddenly, a blue hand emerged out of the darkness and landed on the stuttering blonde's shoulder. _Was that __**you**__ in the showers—that time?_ came Kisame's shocked, mortified voice. The fearful tone sounded awkward coming out of the large shark-man's mouth. Sakura didn't have time to wonder what happened "that time", but she was sure it was an interesting story.

_NO. NO. NO._ Deidara yelled, shaking himself away from Kisame's grasp. He stopped and just quivered for a moment. Then, a smirk split his lips, revealing his perfect, white teeth. His head, which had been lowered, rose slowly…achingly slowly.

It took seconds for his bright eye to lock onto Sakura's jade ones. _Sakura? What made you realize that I am, in fact, a straight male? Did you put that in your little report? _He was clearly amused, clearly feeling sadistic. He was grinning at a stark-white Sakura who had so recently been flushed from laughter.

_Yes, Deidara, she did. Calm yourself._ Pein said, smirking at the trembling kunoichi.

_Oh I'm calm now. It's the rest of you who are about to become all hot and bothered _Deidara chuckled, returning to his place by Tobi, who was scrathing the back of his head.

_Hot and bothered? What does that mean, Deidara-Senpai?_ Tobi asked, cocking his head to the side. The other Akatsuki were all casting cool glares at a smirking clay-master, wondering what he'd done. Hidan looked jealous. Kazuzu and Kisame were choking on their stifled laughter. _This __**does**__ sound interesting _Konan smiled, letting her chin sink into her robe's collar a little more.

_Silence_ The leader drawled, and silence is what he got. Then, he resumed his reading of Sakura's report:

"_Seems weird, but the other Akatsuki address their effeminate partner with masculine pronouns with no qualms at all. Here in Konoha, think of all the teasing he'd get! Sai would have to say that he had NEGATIVE dick. I don't know, I still think of him as a She. The pony tail is just too much for me. At least it could be low like Sasuke's brother's is!_

_DAY TWO _

_Deidara is male. I don't know if he's a girl as well, but HE'S A FRICKING GUY no matter what. He's just as bad as __**shudder **__Jirayah! Tsunade, I mean that. I mean it with every quivering bone in my body. Take my word for it…actually…don't. If I'm dead when you get this, I want you to realize what I endured for Konoha. _

_I was awake this morning—which is rare because they keep draining my chakra so I won't punch down any more walls—so I was FINALLY offered the shower I so desperately needed. Guess who offered—Deidara._

_I accepted. Tsunade, I stunk. I had to. Plus, Kisame and Itachi were gone, so I figured I was safe with the __**gay**__ Akatsuki. _

_He shoved a towel at me through the bars, gave me the standard 'try anything and you'll be fed to the plant-man' speech, and then led me to a nice, big bathroom. Then he left and said I had half an hour. _

_Che, I only expected three minutes, so I was in prisoner-heaven. I started taking my shower so I could use as much of the time as I could. I didn't see the other door on the opposite side of the room. I guess I was too woozy. _

_Being me, I was savoring the water, the warmth, the works. After a while, though, I began to feel like I was being watched. I did the standard search for intruders in the bathroom, wearing the towel as I checked for surveillance or summons or anything. I found nothing, and got back in the shower. _

'_You've still got soap in your hair, yeah' the creeper said, 'and a few other places'. Tsunade, he was IN THE BATHROOM. Sounded like he was by the door I hadn't noticed before. _

_I couldn't even turn around. I didn't want to give him a better view! So, I tried getting out of the shower, which somehow ended with me slipping on a bar of soap and grabbing the nearest thing to me so I wouldn't fall on my ass._

'_I thought I was going to have to be more persuasive, yeah' the bastard grinned at me while grabbing my hands—hands which had latched onto his shoulder moments ago. Why the hell don't they teach you what to do in these sorts of situations instead of how to pick some stupid flowers? You should revamp the curriculum at the ninja academy when you get a chance. _

_I'd worked so hard to be the emotionless, calculating POW Ibiki trained me to be. I'd barely spoken in the past weeks. I hadn't blown up once! But by the gods, I was going to start screaming like a twelve-year-old. I guess it showed in my face._

'_Hey, don't freak out on me, Blossom. I'm just in here cause you've taken longer than half an hour, yeah' he said. His smirk was going to break his face in half, I swear. _

_I looked at his incredulously, still desperately clutching the shower curtain I'd managed to grab before I slipped, holding it across my body._

'_Why are you hiding, yeah? You should be proud. Not many kunoichi can keep that kind of figure, yeah. Too many damn push-ups'. I was going to kill him. I was so close. SOOO CLOSE, but my lack of clothing put me in a rather awkward position. Speaking of lacking clothing, I suddenly noticed that he only had a towel wrapped around his waist. I yanked the shower curtain down and quickly wrapped it completely around me._

'_Oh, you've noticed my apparel, yeah. Well, I was planning on taking a shower too. If you're not quite done, you can join me' Deidara smiled, stepping towards her so he could push a strand of wet, soapy hair back behind her ear. 'Ladies first, yeah' he whispered, stepping back and motioning with his arm towards the running water_

_My fist came back, and I tried punching him, he caught it, yaddah yaddah. I lost okay—that's all you have to know. If you tell ANYONE I lost to a guy who was using one hand to hold a towel around himself, I'm coming up from the grave to strangle you in your sleep"_

Pein paused here. _It __**would**__ be awfully embarrassing if anyone were to find out about that, wouldn't it Sakura-san?_

Sakura was shaking in anger and embarrassment. Her face was rosier than her hair. _I will kill him. I will. No…I'll castrate him. He won't know what hit him. Oh, that'll teach him. He'll run off whimpering, begging for mercy. He'll finally match his hair-cut. I wonder if any of them would help me? _Sakura rambled on, unaware that the Akatsuki in vicinity could hear her unintelligible rant. Deidara just smirked at her from across the dark cavern. His expression was clear: he was ready for a rematch any day...or night.

_Should I restrain her?_ Itachi asked, sounding almost bored.

_Let her at me, yeah _Deidara chuckled, getting a friendly nudge in the ribs from Kisame.

_So that's why you were laughing all day, huh? Nice…very nice. Let me in on it next time, though_ the shark-man said.

_You little pervs! _Sakura yelled. She was far gone from the reaches of sanity. The black shadow-Sakura from the inner abyss of her heart was out and steaming. _You come near me again, you little clay-he/she, and I'll make sure that you don't have a choice about being a guy or a girl._

Deidara turned to stone. After a painful moment of silence, he hissed. _Sakura-chan, didn't we just clear up the little issue about my orientation, yeah?_

_Yeah, but that still doesn't explain why you were drooling over the ice-cube over there when he caught me _Sakura said, smirking and leaning back on her heels. Shanarro! (or whatever she says that means Hell, yeah).

_Blossom _Deidara whispered, suddenly appearing behind her, _it's true that Uchiha-san didn't have a shirt on, yeah…_ Sakura felt hands on her waist and a pointy chin on her shoulder. Deidara's cheek was nearly brushing hers, making her blush even more, but she was too stunned to move.

_But he was wearing something other than pants and shoes…something even more admirable, something worth drooling over, yeah…_

_You were draped over his shoulder, as I recall, yeah…_

_And Blossom, your clothes weren't in wonderful condition either…_

It was Sakura's turn to stiffen. This wasn't happening to her. She was hallucinating. An S-class criminal was flirting with her—disgustingly—in front of a horde of other S-class criminals. She did exactly what the clay master had intended her to do from the moment she had insinuated that he was anything but completely masculine…dropped down to the floor and hugged her knees.

_How the heck did I land myself in this mess? _She wailed, once again forgetting that what was happening in her mind was what everyone around her was also seeing_. I just want to go back to my cell; is that too much to frickin' ask?_

Konan answered her, seeming to purr from somewhere behind the red clouds on her cloak. _It doesn't seem like you have to go back to your cell at all. Deidara-san just offered you a get-out-of-jail-free card…at least for a couple of nights._

_As many nights as she's up for, yeah _Deidara smirked, raising a challenging eyebrow at the pitiful ball of kunoichi at his feet.

His words had her back on her feet in a split second, a reaction that made the blonde frown. He had expected her to be properly humiliated for quite a while longer. The frown didn't last long though; he thought she looked so cute when she was flustered.

_Do the words 'snowball's chance in Hell' mean anything to you, clay-man? _Sakura roared, fists shaking by her sides.

Deidara smiled, noticing that she finally called him a man.

Sakura was backing him up into the wall with a finger jutting into his chest in no time. _You've got less of a chance than that, got it? I've been holding out for Sas-_

…

…

_Ohshit._

Kisame's mouth fell open. She didn't. Oh, she didn't, did she? Oh, this was too good. This was too good to be F-ing true. Everyone had raised their eyebrows at the kunoichi, amusement and disbelief apparent of every face except one…

_Holding out for __**who**__, Sakura? _Itachi asked with polite interest as he took a long step towards her. She couldn't see his mouth, but she could tell he was smirking. Those damn Uchihas…always smirking.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Phew. Deidara-being-evil is out of my system…I think. Thanks to all reviewers…and especially Daisycutters because without her reminder, I wouldn't have picked this fic up again for weeks.**

**Disclaimer: I make no money from the Naruto franchise.**

_Holding out for __**who**__, Sakura? _Itachi asked with polite interest as he took a long step towards her. She couldn't see his mouth, but she could tell he was smirking. Those damn Uchihas…always smirking.

* * *

_I…no…uhmm…can I have a minute to myself? _Sakura stuttered, backing away from both the snickering Deidara and the approaching Uchiha.

_Of course. Think as long as you like._ Itachi replied with a gracious nod. He stopped coming towards her.

_Testing. Testing. Itachi thought Hidan's scythe was an anal thermometer._ Sakura thought, hoping that Itachi meant what he said about having a minute to herself. She figured she'd test the waters with the Akatsuki most capable of restraining his rage.

_Bwa ha!_ Kisame fell over on the floor, clutching his heaving sides. _This girl… is too good_ he said, wheezing from laughter.

_Idiot! We're supposed to make her think we can't hear her_ Kazuzu snapped. He seemed to be suppressing laughter as well, though. He was looking at the aforementioned weapon to Itachi…and back…and then back at Itachi.

_You said I had a minute to myself_! Sakura yelled, feeling a little hurt.

_And you made use of it rather poorly_ Itachi said. He was behind her, glowering at the back of her head. Apparently he didn't fancy the idea of having_ that_ big a stick up his ass.

Deidara and the others were finding it difficult to contain emotions. It was difficult—but possible after practice--for them to hide their thoughts from the congregation in usual circumstances. Sakura was making it very difficult to stifle emotional responses, though.

_Enough, Itachi. _Pein rumbled, not liking where this conversation was going. The last thing they needed was a sobbing Kunoichi drooling over her lost love. The time for that was later.

Itachi looked back at Pein expressionlessly. Maybe it was the slow, painstaking pace at which he turned his head that alerted the others that the Uchiha was not pleased with Leader's directive. His eyes were hard as he bowed slightly and retreated from Sakura's gasping form.

_Arigatou _he whispered. He was still behind her, practically breathing on her neck. He teasingly brushed at the spot on her neck that Sasuke used to knock her out all those years ago as he moved away, sharingan glinting with a suppressed smirk.

It took moments: _BASTARD! How did you hear about that?! Damn it! Stop grinning; you don't sound anything like Sasuke-kun…well maybe a little…but he's still more dark and mysterious and sexy. _

_I'm sorry Sakura-san. There are no benches around here for me to lay you on. If there were, I might be able to resemble my foolish brother more completely for you. Perhaps if I ignored you and called you annoying…or constantly reminded you of your weakness…_

Sakura's arms wind-milled as she tried to attack the darkly chuckling Uchiha, but she was restrained by Kisame, who'd teleported behind her to grab her shoulder. He was grinning and shaking his head. _And I thought you were a frickin' zombie_ he said as Sakura tried to struggle out of his hold. It wasn't clear if he was talking to the kunoichi or to his partner.

_I said, 'enough' Uchiha, _Pein said, carefully observing Itachi. He was concerned by the man's sudden malice. Ice Bitch was actually snarling, and it wasn't exactly an improvement from the glare-you-to-death approach the Uchiha usually used. Maybe using this report as a way to break their captive was actually a bad idea…

_We're moving on. Deidara, you should not have done that. Sakura san was going to report the peculiar aspect of your anatomy on your chest. Tsunade would have known what it was even if Sakura was too…flustered… to put two and two together. _Pein said.

_Kisame, you are the next person compromised by this document. _His tone suggested severity, urging the others to be silent. "Compromise" was their code word, meaning "Stare at the kunoichi, laugh at her, or do anything else to make her uncomfortable". He hadn't had to use it before, but some members were beginning to get bored…

Kakuzu was fidgeting. He thought things were going too slowly.

Zetsu was fidgeting. Images of Sakura with salt and pepper, Sakura with a garlic-butter sauce and a nice salad, and Sakura with fries and a milkshake all danced in his bi-tonal head.

Tobi was fidgeting. He wanted to see what the pretty kunoichi thought of Tobi.

Hidan was fidgeting. Damn. The girl had a bad ass mouth to match that bad ass.

Deidara was smirking. He was thinking that the Ice Bitch had done a good job on the cute little kunoichi.

Konan was fidgeting. Did Sakura think she was fat? It was just the volume of the paper! The pink haired girl knew how much space paper took up right?

Kisame wasn't fidgeting. He was completely still behind the kunoichi, who'd gone stiff at the prospect of more of her notes being read out.

Pein cleared his throat and shuffled the document in front of him.

"_They train without shirts on. Yeah, I know…wow. Remember when Kurenai got drunk and told us that the person in the Bingo Book she'd most like to see naked was Kisame…just to see if he had fins. Well, I agree with her now, but only because our favorite sharky is RIPPED. He gets the 'best body' award hands down! _

_If you can catch him, you have to do an anatomical study of that fine specimen, Tsunade-sama. I don't mean the official kind, either. Ugh, I sound like a horny teenager, don't I? I have to keep myself sane somehow though right? If I'm thinking about something awkward, I won't be tempeted to talk to them though, so I think this is a good strategy"_

Pein looked up here and interjected coolly, _You misspelled 'tempted'_

_I don't care, damnit! _Sakura retorted. She shook off Kisame's hand, which had gone limp on her shoulder.

_Well, well, now. All you had to do was ask, Sakura _Kisame said. He smirked widely and crossed his arms over his –yes, very nice—chest. Somehow, Sakura didn't think he was talking about her tacit request for him to remove his hand.

_Ugh! I was just saying that the blue-boy over here could do more than swing his stupid sword around, okay! Warning them not to underestimate taijutsu potential, you know! _

_Of course _Konan purred. She actually sounded understanding before she lifted her head out of her collar in order to cackle loudly. _You __**would**__ be the type to disregard color-prejudice, wouldn't you Pinky?_ she added, almost as an afterthought.

On the other side of the cave, Deidara was scowling. He held up his hands, making his fingers into a box like he was putting Sakura and Kisame in a picture frame. Two extra tounges made obnoxious noises as the bomber cried out _Hell. No un._

_Silence._ Pein said, frowning at Sakura's report. Apparently, he'd missed a part when he read over her notes initially.

"_I don't know how he keeps his body like that. So many nice, hard lines. It has to be all that training he does, because his diet sure doesn't help. Ramen and tempura like the rest of them, but he drinks like a…ha ha. He drinks like fish. You might be in shape if sake had the same effect of you as it does on Kisame"_

_Is this true, Kisame? _Pein asked.

Kisame tried to grin while biting his lip…making him look like a feral guppy. _Like she said, it sure doesn't hurt _he said.

_It hurts our budget! _Kakuzu hissed. His green, beetle-like eyes narrowed in the darkness.

_I buy it myself, jeeze _Kisame grunted.

_Sure you do, Fishy _Sakura interrupted. The green disks in her own eyes sparkled with revenge. _You buy it yourself with money taken out of the rag-doll's stash above the fridge._

_Kisame! _Kakuzu hissed again, though this time it was a hiss of considerably more volume.

_And so the fish became Sushi, a delectable piece of nigiri-sushi _Sakura hummed. She sounded like she was reciting the last lines of some cute little children's story, but her smirk was decidedly malicious.

_And so the pink little girl turned crimson as a large pool of her own blood spread around her lifeless body _the shark-man growled back, taking a hesitant step away from the writhing tendrils of Kakuzu's body. The stitched man was still on the other side of the cavern, but he was radiating a violent chakra.

_Stop it!_ Pein barked, for once letting his composure slip a little. There had never been this much disorder at a meeting: never. _Kakuzu, hide your money better. Kisame, no more booze. And you, Sakura Haruno, need to be more respectful._

_Well, that's a little difficult because only the disrespectful part of my brain is here to sit in on your little pow-pow_. Sakura retorted, rolling her eyes.

The seven concentric circles in Leader's eyes flashed, and Sakura immediately felt his chakra wash over her, warm with killing intent. Someone had control issues, apparently. _Well, duh, _she thought. _You have to have control issues to keep authority among this merry band of freaks_.

_Who are you calling a freak?_ Many voices called out to her. She noticed Deidara's growl, Kisame's sigh, and Hidan's roar among those voices…and also one that she hadn't heard, before.

It was deep and harsh, intrinsically cruel. A new Akatsuki?

_Leader-sama, a group of Konoha ninja is approaching the base, led by the Copy ninja Kakashi Hatake_ Zetsu said, bowing.

_How…?_ She was wondering how Zetsu had acquired such information. Sakura barely had time to ask before that mysterious voice emerged again.

_Che. He's really on a rampage this time. Even left his porno!_ The black half of Zetsu said.

_So he did see me take her_ Itachi mused. His sharingan eyes were cold and calculating.

_I told you Mr. Electrified-Opossum-Hair was still conscious_ Deidara scowled, crossing his arms over his chest.

_He's using a pack of nin-dogs to track her scent_ Zetsu's white half supplied.

_Took him long enough to pick up the trail. Legendary, my ass_ replied Zetsu's freshly returned black half.

Sakura couldn't contain her glee. _KAKASHI-SENSEI!_ She yelled, spinning around one the ball of her right foot. _Finally!_

_Why are you so fucking happy?_ Hidan asked, grinning. _That just means you get to stay with me for a while…or do you have some pleasant fucking thoughts about me in your fucking little report? You want to come stay with me and Stiches again, princess?_

Sakura could only gape in response. She couldn't even formulate a thought before she felt Itachi's hands on hers once again and a jutsu carried her away from the dark, dank hell of the Akatsuki board-room.

**Erm, well, I don't like this chapter at all. Nope nope nope. To be honest, I have no idea how to continue this. Suggestions would be great, or critical reviews would be even better. Hell, any input would make me do backflips. My funny bone is dead. **


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Oh my God. Thank you all so much for the reviews and suggestions! I love you all platonically! This is really just a filler chapter until the next time the Akatsuki meet with Sakura, so it's written a little differently. **

**Disclaimer: I don't earn any money from Naruto. **

Tobi was enjoying the pleasant smell of pine trees as he skipped merrily through the warm glade. Beautiful sun, beautiful clouds, beautiful rock, beautiful open window…

Wait. Open window?

Then, Tobi remembered! He was supposed to be guarding this place, not skipping around it! This was a special Akatsuki base…the one where Leader-sama and the Lady of a Thousand Paper Cuts always stayed.

The window was open, so it had broken the genjutsu seal hiding the small home. Tobi stared at it. He stared at the random open window hovering in the air and he struggled against the instinct to be a very naughty little boy.

"Tobi is a good boy?" he asked the sky pathetically, unable to hide his whimpering tone from the vast blue expanse.

When he received no reply, he said, "Tobi will be a good boy later" and bounded over to the floating window. He ducked down underneath it and tilted his head up, listening to the conversation going on inside…

"She keeps giving me this weird look, like she's trying to see inside the cloak"

"You're not fat, Konan. Paranoid, maybe, but not fat"

"You don't understand, Pein-san. We girls can tell these things. _I'm_ telling you that Pinky thinks I'm chubby! I can see it in her eyes!"

"Emotion other than bitchiness doesn't suit you. Leave me"

"Leave you? Leave you?! You know what, LEADER-SAMA? I think I'll do just that. I'll just pack up my stuff and go with Deidara and Tobi. Yes! I'll leave you here at night with nothing to do except moan about your seven sets of unsatisfied needs! What do you think about that?"

At this point, Tobi became aware of Deidara as the bomber tried to stuff his fist in his mouth. The blonde man had crept out of the woods to join his partner in his eavesdropping, but had found laughter almost irresistible. Deidara looked up at his partner with tears of laughter in his eyes. "Good boy, Tobi" he mouthed, though the motion was impeded by the hand he'd shoved in his oral cavity.

Inside, Pein was staring at his rampaging lover. For once his eyes didn't broadcast instant death. Instead, he seemed to be saying "oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit" with those freakishly patterned orbs.

"No. Don't leave. I apologize".

"Apologize for what?!"

"For telling you to go away"

"and…"

"For not believing you about Sakura! For not believing you about Sakura!" Kisame hissed.

He too had come to see Pein about the effects of the last meeting, but had been sidetracked by the clump of criminals eavesdropping on a domestic argument. The blue man was crouching down beside Deidara, holding his fist in front of his chest in hopes that Leader-sama would get the message.

Pein was too late. He struggled to figure out what else he'd done wrong, but failed.

"You're hopeless" Konan said acerbically, and the three interlopers heard the door to Pein's office slam shut.

The three criminals were completely silent as they heard their Leader stand up, making his chair screech against the wood. They held their breath as they heard him approach the window, and then, they sighed as they heard the window quietly close.

"Hn"

Kisame, Deidara, and Tobi spun around, all reaching for weapons to attack the addition to their posse. Well, Tobi tried, but he ended up on his ass as usual.

The four men glared at each other (minus Tobi, who was rubbing his butt as he stood up).

"Itachi. Why are you here?"

"Kisame. Why do you suddenly have a right to ask?"

The shark-man paled. It had been a while since he'd forgotten how to speak to his partner, but he remembered the incident well enough to make him lose his voice.

"Uchiha-san. With all due respect, what _does_ bring you here, un?" Deidara boldly asked. He was the most likely of them to disregard Itachi's authority, but he tried to keep his tone suffocatingly polite.

With a barely raised eyebrow, Itachi slowly turned his head towards the crazy bomber.

"I felt my genjutsu faltering. It was my duty to dispose of the intruders"

The three eavesdroppers either stopped breathing or gulped loudly.

"But Itachi-san" Tobi cried out. "Please don't tell on us! Or kill us! We just wanted to know what was going on!" The masked man was sniveling, bobbing up and down with his hands clasped in front of his chin.

The Ice Bitch looked from man to man, betraying no emotion as he carefully observed them. Kisame was frozen on the spot and Deidara was staring Itachi down, chewing his tongues in anxiety.

"I will not mention the matter to Leader-sama; but, only because it appears that he will be in an increasingly bad mood for the next few days. Perhaps when Konan moves back in..."

"Okay, fine!" Kisame said, breaking his petrified form in order to sigh and cross his arms over his chest again. He had a habit of doing that, especially when he was nervous.

"Thank you, Itachi-san" Deidara said, forcing himself into a small, suspicious bow. He didn't raise himself up until he heard the swish of Itachi's cloak die away through the tall grass. When he lifted his gaze again, Kisame was gone as well.

"Can't believe the zombie twins missed that, un" He said, shoving his hand into his pouch for some clay. Whatever he had to say to Leader could wait. Icy was right when he said that Pein would be a bit…frustrated…for the next few days.

"Tobi thinks that Hidan-san and Kakuzu-san must be very busy making Sakura-san's room nice and pretty for her!"

"Yeah" Deidara said with a malicious smile, "I'm sure they're making her feel right at home".

"AGHHHH"

"So you _are_ a virgin" Kakuzu pressed, putting his arm around the back of Sakura's chair. His eyes were hard as they contemplated the shaking girl next to him.

"I'm not sleeping with any of you!" Sakura hissed, trying to jerk her hands out of their cuffs and run away from the sewn man.

"That's _not_ what he fucking meant" Hidan drawled from his spot by the stove.

Sakura ignored him, continuing to struggle. She was halfway to ignoring her kunoichi training and letting her emotions have free reign; after all, they already knew how she really thought.

"Of course that's not what I meant" Kakuzu purred. Sakura raised an eyebrow. Was he _seriously_ trying to sound soothing?

"He just wants to rent your hot little ass off to a bunch of shit-head old men, and he fucking needs to know that kind of stuff" Hidan supplied, adding the flavoring to the ramen on the stove.

Sakura felt her stomach tighten in disgust. She had to swallow to keep down the bile that rose in her throat. She faintly heard Kakuzu explain that everyone else who stayed with the Akatsuki had to earn their keep…why not her?

"NO! I'd rather die!" she screamed, rocking backwards so forcefully that she almost made the chair tip backwards. The rickety seat tottered on two legs for a second, but Hidan casually reached across the table with his scythe and used it as a hook to pull the chair back down to the floor.

"That could be arranged" he said, shoving a mouthful of ramen into his cussing pie-hole.

"No. It can't!" Kakuzu whined petulantly. "She's going to be kept alive for weeks, using up our food and medicine! She should be doing something to make up for the deficit! Since her body is the only thing she's got on her…"

"Shut it, you fucking scrooge" Hidan growled. "I'm eating".

"You just want her kept whole so that she'll be a good sacrifice" Kakuzu muttered, getting up to get himself some ramen.

"Sooooooooo…?" Hidan sneered. "Sasori wanted to use her as a puppet. Deidara wants her to confirm his fucking manhood. And Itachi wants to use her as a piece of snake bait. I'm practically being fucking nice"

Sakura's breath had leveled out. Talking about pimping her out had rattled her, but now they were revealing organization secrets again. She could revert to reconnaissance-ninja mode and do her job.

"You people know Sasori wanted to turn me into a puppet?" she asked, pretending to sound confused in order to cover her desperate curiosity.

"Why do you think stupid Deidara hasn't tried to off you yet?" Kakuzu asked, sneering. He obviously thought that Sakura had missed something obvious. When Sakura didn't respond, Hidan took over.

"Clay-boy knows his master respected you. Otherwise, he'd have jammed explosives in all your orifices and made pretty little Sakura-fireworks out of your ass by now"

"I knew it was better not to talk to you, Hidan" Sakura said, shaking her head to clear the images of "Sakura-fireworks" out of her mind.

"He's got a way with words" Kakuzu said, scowling.

"Che. So do you, Mr. 'Does Cherry-Blossom have her cherry'" Sakura growled, referring to the question that had made her scream a few minutes ago.

Hidan laughed with a mouth full of Ramen. "You fucking smooth-talker, you" he chortled. "Way to make her feel fucking at home, Stiches".

Kakuzu responded with a sneer and a violent motion with one of his tentacles. Hidan's head rolled under the table, cursing about being in the middle of a meal and making swallowing a mess.

Sakura swallowed with her dry throat and looked over at Kakuzu, who was eating calmly beside her at the table. She'd encountered this behavior the last time she was here.

"So…what did you mean when you said Itachi wanted to use me as snake bait?" she asked tentatively.

Kakuzu slurped a noodle slowly, and then he turned his head to the side so that he could look Sakura in the eye. "Hold on" he said.

Sakura heard a loud "thunk" under the table and then she saw Hidan's head fly out from the other side on the wooden piece of furniture. The head landed in a corner padded with pillows, effectively muffling the Decapitated man's curses and complaints.

"Effective system, no?" Kakuzu asked, grinning at her from under his mask.

"Erm. Yes" Sakura muttered, trying not to gape.

Stiches resumed his meal. "Itachi wants to use you to lure his brother to him. Apparently, the all-powerful Uchiha's inexhaustible patience has an expiration date"

"He's going to dangle you in front of the little brat. You know, 'Here kitty, kitty. Get the pink squeaky mousey!" Kakuzu explained. He pulled a noodle out of his ramen and dangled it in front of Sakura to demonstrate.

"I get it" Sakura said. But really she didn't…for three reasons:

1. Sasuke Uchiha would, should, and could never be called a kitty.

2. Itachi Uchiha would say "kitty" only after he'd said "cuddlemuffin" which would happen only after Hell froze over…for the third time.

3. Sakura was not a pink, squeaky mouse unless she happened to want to be one or when Kakashi had nightmares.

"Speaking of the Prince of Genjutsu, he said he'd be here in a couple of days to take you to the next meeting, so start preparing the gravesite for your dignity" Kakuzu said as he stood up and began to put his bowl in the sink.

"Uhm. I didn't get any" Sakura said, using her chained hands to motion to the pot of ramen on the stove.

"Did you pay for any?" Kakuzu asked as he smirked. He walked over to her and yanked her up by one of her biceps.

Sakura never thought she'd see the day when she eagerly awaited the arrival of Itachi Uchiha, but that day had come.

**Okay. End of really long (for me) filler chapter. I know this is really soon, and that nothing much happened, but I wanted to set the stage for next chapter. Plus, I had to make up for making you guys wait so long. And I accidentally lied to Daisycutters when said I'd post BY this weekend. Can't have that unatoned for, can we now?**

**Anyway, just remember that at the next meeting:**

**Sakura will be starving.**

**Pein will be hating womankind.**

**Konan will be bitchy as hell and feeling self-conscious.**

**Kisame's ego will be over-inflated even more.**

**Tobi REALLY wants to know what pretty lady thinks of Tobi.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Authors note: those who asked… I tried to get more flirting in there. I'm also trying to revive the funny-bone. Let me now if I should get a defibrillator.**

**Disclaimer: I make no money form this!**

Days Later…

Sakura woke up slowly, stretched slowly, and yawned slowly…but still her stomach spasmed uncomfortably at the slightest movement.

_I NEED TO EAT, DAMN IT!_ she yelled in frustration. Too late did she realize that the darkness that surrounded her was actually the darkness of "Akatsuki Land" instead of the familiar atmosphere of her cell.

A few light chuckles echoed around her as she snapped into a defensive position, and then clutched her abdomen in agony.

_Looks like her stomach's here, yeah, but where's her mind?_ Deidara asked_. Did you screw up the jutsu, Itachi-saaaan?_

_She's still refusing to eat?_ Kisame asked incredulously. His voice seemed to be sharply directed as Kakuzu.

Sakura blinked a few times through the haze on nausea, hollowness, and fatigue she felt. Refused to eat? Her? NOW? Hell no!

_Is that what you told them?_ she screeched in disbelief. Kakuzu shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly. _I'm gonna make you into doll parts, bastard!_ she yelled, but she found herself restrained by a certain someone's icy hands. His fingers were spread over her shoulders with just enough pressure on her collar bone to give her a warning.

Itachi's hands were so large that three fingers spanned her shoulders, leaving two to trail along her upper arms on each side. The hard calluses reminded her of who she was dealing with, and she quickly relaxed against his chest in defeat.

_Run, rag-man, run_ she whispered threateningly under her breath. Of course, she really had no control of the volume of her thoughts, so everyone could hear the idle threat. Itachi's hand squeezed her shoulder slightly as Kisame bent over laughing again.

A subtle, imaginary breeze floated towards the starving cherry blossom as the fish-man's cloak swished in the air, and a very dangerous train of thought began to marinate in her mind…yes, marinate. A series of unformed, predatory thoughts began to bubble up from her primal consciousness and to all concerned, she seemed to be just mumbling to herself.

Even Itachi, who stood closest to her, couldn't make out what was going on with his captive. Her thoughts weren't cohesive enough.

And so, the meeting progressed without her. Pein and the others waited for her to come out of her little trance, but abandoned the wait after less than a minute. They discussed Kakuzu's little starvation stunt and the new position of the Konoha retrieval squad.

_So, what exactly would you do for food, little pig?_ Konan asked icily after they'd run out of official business to discuss. _Would you do what Deidara asked you if you got a meal in return?_

Sakura halted, her glazed eyes relaxing for a moment. _Maybe…_ she said. Her voice wasn't hesitant or embarrassed; instead, the pure craze of a hungry ninja graced her features. She grinned at Deidara with a fake, thoughtful finger on her chin.

_Maybe…_ Her eyes moved up and down Deidara's form, making him suppress a blush and swallow loudly.

Konan smiled. It was time to make Sakura feel like the fat one; it was time to take revenge for those petty little stares the captive had given her at the last meeting!

_How about Itachi?_ Konan pressed, determined to make the young kunoichi look like an insane food-whore.

At that, Sakura grinned…and giggled. Her delighted chuckle echoed through the darkness.

Kisame's jaw dropped and he swallowed as loudly as Deidara. There was NOTHING innocent about the little giggle that had risen from the pinkette's mouth. There was nothing remotely chaste about the way Sakura had tilted her head inquisitively at the stoic Uchiha.

_Ask not what I will do for Deidara or Itachi; ask what I will do for both Deidara and Itachi if it means that I won't have to worry about starving to death any more_ Sakura grinned.

At this, Konan didn't have anything else to say. Her eyes widened slowly, revealing even more pale indigo beneath her long eyelashes.

_Holy shit_ Hidan said, speaking for all of them.

_Get her out of here and feed her_ Pein growled, disgusted.

_Maybe she better accompany Itachi and I back to te….that country we're staying in_ Kisame said as he swaggered over to her through the darkness. "We'll make sure she at least gets some grub.

At this, Itachi released Sakura, about to order her to hold out her hands for the cooperative jutsu.

_But Tobi wants to know what pretty lady thinks of TOBI_ came a pitiful whine from a dark corner.

_Shut it, Candy-man!_ Sakura hissed, eager to get to a kitchen…even a kitchen run by Sharky.

_Or else she'll try to eat your mask, hm_ Deidra whispered out of the corner of his mouth.

_But why?_ Tobi screeched, putting his armored hand up protectively in front of his swirly mask.

_Does the world 'lollipop" mean anything to you?_ Hidan scowled.

Everyone froze: A large, maroon-eyed, necromaniac just said lollipop. Even Sakura raised an eyebrow as she repeatedly clenched and unclenched her fists.

_Oh! Tobi understands! Pretty lady thinks Tobi is SWEET!_ the masked man squealed, clasping his hands together in front of his chest. _Well, pretty lady, Tobi thinks that Sakura-san is very sweet, too! Tobi is so glad he made a frien—_

_Shut up and let me go, damnit!_ Sakura yelled. In the blink of an eye, Sakura suddenly appeared in front of the delighted little man.

Perfect chakra control had benefits, you see. What took the Akatsuki years to perfect, Sakura could naturally adapt to because she was familiar with the way chakra flowed in her mind and body. While the others had to carefully plan movements while in the metaphysical world, Sakura let instinct take over. Unfortunately, instinct was telling her to teleport across the room and wring a certain man's neck.

_This is all your fault in the first place_ Sakura began, trembling with anger. Tobi took one step back from her, but only to avoid the two human missiles that had launched themselves at the kunoichi.

Umph! Deidara had tackled her from the right while Itachi materialized on her left, resulting in a jumble of limbs and cloaks toppling to the floor of the cavern.

None of the other Akatsuki members moved, merely watching the possibly deadly—yet comical—situation unfold. Itachi was already kneeling, unwilling or unable to remain defenseless for long. Sakura's head was somehow still resting on his knees where it fell…as was Deidara's hand. He'd used Itachi's upper thigh as a brace to keep himself from falling on top of Sakura too heavily, but he was still hovering over her body with his blonde hair falling over his shoulder and brushing her forehead.

Sakura, noticing their position, flicked her eyes to Dei's arm—how it disappeared over somewhere behind her in a direction that could only lead to Itachi's lap. Before common sense could contain her suspicious tongue, her thoughts emerged:

_I knew it._ She smirked, crossing her arms over her chest so that they actually brushed Deidara as he held himself above her.

The two men sprung apart, leaving Sakura looking smug on the cold rock floor. From her recumbent position, she bent one knee and crossed the other over it. _I totally called it! Ino was right; I'm a straight girl with gay-dar! Didn't expect Itachi, though. Maybe that's why…_

_NO_ Deidara yelled. _Do you WANT me to prove it to you? _He advanced towards her a step, but was beaten to her by a dark-haired god of genjutsu and patricide…and matricide and other murders.

Sasuke could be frightening. Itachi could be terrifying beyond the bounds of human fear. The deep red eyes flickered for a moment, and all Sakura could think…even in her starvation-induced mania…was that when those eyes opened, she'd have a pair of magnekyou (sorry about spelling) hovering over her own unprotected jade orbs.

In preparation, she squeezed her eyelids shut.

But then, something unexpected happened.

* * *

**See you next week!**

**Just kidding!**

* * *

Lips on hers? The Hell!? Sakura's eyes flickered open, startled.

The smell of pine and clear forest air flooded her senses, making her almost woozy with memories. Itachi smelled like Sasuke, but there was no doubt was that the man who was kissing her unresponsive lips was an older, even more demanding version of the Uchiha she'd known in her childhood.

_Sakura,_ he whispered against her cheek, _do you really think that I, am gay? I suggest you think about my family history._

After that, his lips found hers again, and Sakura lost the will to explain that the relationship between sexual orientation and genetics was still undetermined. Who the Hell cared? She just knew one thing…one thing that all the other members of the Akatsuki heard loud and clear:

Sakura really didn't care if he was gay or bi or collected antique china dolls in his spare time. She just didn't want him to stop kissing her.

_Oi! Oi! Stop that!_ Kisame scowled, shaking his head. NOW his partner had to start acting like a normal teenager. Just a couple years too late, buddy.

_Uchiha!_ Pein yelled. With the turmoil caused by Sakura's ability to move, he'd merely bristled, but this was unacceptable. Akatsuki had rules! Had discipline! Why else would he make them wear such impractical and distinguishable uniforms at every moment of their lives?

He'd painstakingly groomed his little army, even personalizing their toothbrushes with shimmery red clouds! (What? Konan's idea!).

Suddenly, the cavern seemed to rumble, and Itachi carefully stood up, not taking his eyes off of Sakura's flushed face. He was smirking, and his eyes showed it.

_I apologize, Leader-sama_ Itachi said. _I will take my leave now_.

With that, he was gone, leaving Deidara staring at Sakura with his mouth hanging open, Konan staring blankly at the spot where he'd been, Hidan wanting to use Sakura a star sacrifice, Kakuzu thinking about all the money he could have made off of the pink-haired prisoner, and Tobi cowering in a corner somewhere.

_Well, I guess you're going with me_ Kisame sighed, breaking the ripe and awkward silence.

Sakura stood, but her knees shook_. Yeah, okay. What do I have to do?_

She already knew that Itachi was the only one who could manipulate her chakra with HIS hands. There would be some other way for Kisame to unlock her mind from the metaphysical world.

As Kisame walked over to her, the other people there began to vanish without a sound, too stunned from the day's event to make any comments.

When Kisame got to her, he wrapped an arm around her shoulders.

_What the hell?_ Sakura asked, trying to shrug him off.

_The best way is just to ride my chakra flow out of here_ the swordsman replied.

_Couldn't I make a chakra wave on my own?_ Sakura asked.

_You could, but you'd get stranded. Your itty-bitty pinky chakra would never be strong enough_ Kisame sighed, patting her on the head.

Sakura rolled her eyes. She didn't even have to think "and you are SO much stronger than me?".

_Don't give me that!_ Kisame chuckled. Then, he puffed out his chest a little. _They call me the Tsunami in bed because—_

_STOP!_

_Oh, sorry_, the swordsman laughed, _you're a little to young for that kind of talk. Well, they call me a Tsunami there for one reason, and they call me the Tsunami everywhere else because, damn, you're never gonna ride chakra like this anywhere else_.

He pulled her a little tighter against him, trying to get the center of her chakra-mass as close to the epicenter of the wave he was creating as possible.

_On second thought_, he added as the cavern began to swirl and fade from sight, _I guess that reason applies in bed, too._

_Kisame!_

_Hey! Watch it! Don't touch the Samehada! _Kisame scolded as Sakura punched him on he shoulder. The cavern was almost completely gone now, replaced by a psychadellic expanse of navy-blue waves of Kisame's chakra.

_I can't even reach it, dumbass_. Sakura retorted as she felt herself get jerked back towards reality, _You're much too fat for that, you silly guppy._

And with that, Sakura's body stirred in the material world. Kisame was stretching on the far side of the room, but he paused to glower at her.

Sakura decided that she like the name "Guppy".

* * *

**Okay. I made up the phenomenon of chakra waves…but it seems plausible.**

**Kissing scene is bad…ten points for everybody who correctly guesses why I had so much trouble with it (jk).**

**So tired…can't edit…sorry. I might repost this later. I just want to get a few more reviews before I go cold-turkey on Fanfiction for a month.**


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